Is It Love Or Friendship?
by Aoi ChanChan
Summary: Natsume is in relationship with Mikan. He confessed he loved Ruka more than anyone. Ruka ends up kissing Natsume. Which he regrets later. Natsume and Mikan breaks up the next day. Ruka thinks it's his fault. He tries to fix their relationship by going away from their life. Natsume tries to figure out if he loves Ruka more than a friend or not. Yaoi. BoyXBoy. Please review :D
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Gakuen Alice.

 **Drunken Mistake Or Something Else  
**

Natsume seemed a bit grouchier than he normally did. Ruka suggested that they should go to some club and get drunk and have a guys night out. He was not the guy to go clubbing and get drunk showing fake IDs which showed they were 21 when they were actually 19. But he knew if Natsume was grouchy a few drinks could loosen him up and he talked about what was bothering him without his pride getting his best of him.

Natsume was sitting on his couch doing nothing on his laptop trying to ignore Ruka.

"I don't wanna go, Ruka." Natsume stared at Ruka, more like glared so the blond would back down.

"Okay how about just me and you? We could really use some talking. Or we could just play video games. I can get everything ready. So my room or here?" Ruka took a sip from the half empty can of cola that was on Natsume's coffee table.

"I dunno."

"Oh come on. You're so indecisive. We're going drinking that's it." Ruka started to sound like a whiny kid at this point with frustrated body language.

"Fine. Leaving in half an hour." Natsume closed his laptop.

"YES!" a victorious shout escaped Ruka's mouth which was slapped shut by his own hand. Natsume had to smile at Ruka's childishness.

"Go get ready, cola thief." Natsume took his can from Ruka's hand to take a sip as he walked to his wardrobe to pick out some cloths.

Ruka nodded happily and left.

* * *

The alice club was a nice place. It was for people above 21. They brought Tsubasa as he was the only one with a real ID and the guard knew him well so nobody would doubt the other three students as minors. Koko just tagged along with them as he had nothing better to do on a Saturday night.

"I still can't believe we just fooled them with fake ID. So many alices yet so crappy security system in the club." Koko whispered in Tsubasa's ear as they entered.

"Keep your mouth shut, baka." Tsubasa hissed quietly.

"Let's get ourselves some drink." Ruka dragged Natsume with him.

"I hate this." Natsume muttered under his breath as he took a sip from his drink.

"Why?" Ruka just played with his drink.

"Because those desperate girls are just disgusting and you're wearing a fucking tie and some tedious glasses. What the heck is wrong with you?" Natsume squinted at Ruka.

Ruka touched the side of his glasses. "They make me look more mature." he weakly tried to defend himself.

"Stop hating on him just because he's being hit on more than you." Koko joked. Tsubasa laughed. They all looked really handsome no matter what they wore.

Actually Natsume and Ruka both were better looking than most in the club. Girls were drooling over both of them from a distance. Giving looks to show them they were interested.

Natsume wore a black hoodie open at the front, a black tee underneath and ripped black jeans. Over the years he got more ear piercings which showed more as he kept left side of his hair trimmed. Some chains and little skulls were hanging from his neck resting on his chest. Ruka wore a full sleeved white shirt with a black tie and a pair of black skinny jeans. He wore some big black framed hipster glasses and his messy blonde hair almost hid his eyes. Both finished with black boots. Natsume looked like night and Ruka looked like a full moon next to each other. Their outfits were complementing each other.

"I'm going dancing. Anyone wanna come?" Koko stood up. He didn't came here to drink and sit on his ass. He wanted to have some fun.

"Sure wouldn't hurt to stepping on some shadows and freaking people out." Tsubasa put his drink down.

"Or you could just dance like normal people." Koko already started walking towards the dancing crowd.

"I think I'll go with my plan." Tsubasa followed Koko.

With those two gone Natsume sighed in relief and kept on drinking.

"You're not even drinking. Why did you drag me here?" Natsume's eyes fixed on his drink.

"I am too." to prove his point Ruka chugged the whole drink down. Natsume eyed him suspiciously.

"So Natsume what's going on?" both of them getting their refills. Ruka was on his second glass and Natsume was already on his fourth. Man he could hold his liquor.

"Mikan is going to France for six months. You know that. What's bothering me is I feel nothing about it. Nor sad nor lonely, nothing. I mean will I miss her? Sure, she's a great person to have around but I don't think I will miss my lover. I suck as her boyfriend." Natsume finished his drink.

"I see. How come you are sure that you suck? It's possible that once she leaves this ground you'll immediately start sobbing. And besides how can you measure a relationship status just based on this?" Ruka was drinking at the same pace at Natsume at this point.

"I dunno. I was wondering that too. You know I love her and care for her but then again I feel like I love her as a friend nothing more than that. I'd be perfectly fine with her not being my girlfriend. I think she knows it too. We've never gone beyond the friendship boundary. I like it that way, I guess." Natsume was feeling drunk enough to talk more with Ruka.

"What do you mean? Are you gonna break up with her?" Ruka was feeling hot. Keeping up with Natsume was a bad idea. He was not that good with alcohol.

"I once told her I loved her. She said she loved me as a friend, she wasn't the one for me and I just needed to realize my love. What did she mean?" Natsume really hated to think like this. Love, romance were too cliche for him to admit.

"So you love her as much as me, huh? I thought you were head over heals for her." Ruka sighed.

"No, no, no. Not as much as you. I love you way more than her or anyone." Natsume's voice started to drop as his senses were loosening up.

"You wanna dance?" Ruka changed the topic. He felt somewhat drunk. Not wanting to say anything he might regret later.

"No, idiot." Natsume softly flicked Ruka's forehead playfully.

"Fine but I'm going. This is my jam." Ruka was being so unpredictable today. Normally he would beg Natsume with puppy eyes.

Natsume's eyes followed the blond from his seat. He saw as Ruka went up to Koko and smiled. He watched as he waved at Tsubasa. He watched as Ruka started moving his body following the beat. His body swayed so smoothly with the music. Natsume watched without blinking and smiled. Ruka was so out of character tonight.

Ruka closed his eyes as he felt the music. A tasteful hip thrust with the beat. A little lip biting to some questionable words in the lyrics. He made some sultry moves looked so artistic.

Natsume found him staring at the blond with open mouth. Soon he noticed some girls were dancing around Ruka. Ruka seemed to not notice or too drunk to care. Natsume's brows tensed. One girl even dared to close the distance between her and Ruka.

"Bitch." Natsume gulped the whole drink in one shot as he marched his way to Ruka. He practically pushed her aside roughly as he grabbed Ruka's arm and gave the girl a nasty look.

"I'll burn you alive if you get close to him again." Natsume sneered. Ruka was a bit shocked to process the incident instantly.

"Natsume, don't …" he said in a soft voice. Not wanting to cause a scene.

"What's your problem? I didn't know he was taken. Gosh." the girl gave an attitude.

"No, I am not… we are not… taken, I mean together. We are…" she moved over to her friend before giving Ruka a chance to explain fully.

"Don't dance with those thirsty hoes." Natsume stared down at Ruka. He was possessive like that towards Ruka.

"Why?" Ruka smiled at Natsume's concern.

"I don't like it. Since umm… you really wanna dance then I guess I can dance with you." Natsume broke the eye contact as he finished the sentence. "That way people will not bother you." He added quickly to hide the fact that hee wanted to dance with Ruka.

Ruka nodded. He felt his cheeks heated up with embarrassment. He was glad he had some drinks that way Natsume couldn't tell if his cheeks were getting redder for the drink or because Natsume was dancing with him.

People were probably staring as some people made "wooh" noise. They were used to it. Girls in the academy did that a lot whenever they saw these two getting a bit touchy feely, which was everyday. Natsume liked hugging Ruka out of nowhere, giving pecks on the cheeks and forehead every now and then as a greeting. Ruka happily received and returned. They were close like that. As a result there was a "NatsumeXRuka" club founded by fan girls with permy being the president. The raw evidence of everyday skinship was delivered by Hotaru's robot in exchange for great amount of rabbits. The club members threw a fit when Mikan became Natsume's girlfriend. Mikan became their mortal enemy. Once they saw Natsume and Ruka were still close and gave them "Fan Service" they _forgave_ Mikan for being Natsume's girlfriend. Mikan still wasn't even aware of their drama.

Song changed. Ruka found his back against Natsume's chest. Natsume was really enjoying dancing. Ruka pushed his body back a bit more to slightly slide against Natsume's body.

"Are you teasing me?" Natsume laughed. Not caring one bit. He felt like being out of the character too tonight.

"What if I am?" Ruka looked back at Natsume with a fake innocent look. Natsume just smiled back at the blond.

Few moments later Natsume felt Ruka grinding a bit more every now and then. Natsume's face was almost on Ruka's neck. Suddenly he grabbed Ruka's waist and pulled him closer as they moved. Ruka gasped softly. Natsume's lips touched the back of Ruka's neck ever so slightly. His warm breath tingled the blond's neck.

Ruka broke free from Natsume's hold and turned around. Natsume was a bit worried. He went too far with the skin ship again, didn't he?

"I'm not feeling well. I need some air." Ruka fanned himself with his hand not making eye contact. He was starting to sweat and dragging deeply on the crowded air.

Natsume eyed the whole club.

"Let's go over to that corner it's less crowded. Maybe you'll feel better." Natsume grabbed Ruka's hand as they made their way to the said corner.

Natsume was right. This corner of the club was quieter and dimmer than rest. Ruka leaned on the wall closing his eyes and breathing through his mouth. Natsume stood beside him glaring anyone who tried to approach the corner, silently telling them to leave.

"Natsume, did you mean it?" Ruka opened his eyes.

"What?" Natsume was cut off from remembering the band's name who wrote some song about demons and angels being same. He wanted to sing at this point. Only if he could remember all the words in the lyrics.

"That you loved me?" Ruka's body temperature was cooling down. He stared at Natsume.

"Why wouldn't I?" Natsume felt a bit annoyed. Wasn't it the most obvious thing on the earth? His drunken brain wondered.

Ruka grabbed Natsume's collar and brushed his soft lips on Natsume's lips. Even though they were drunk and they used to give each other pecks on the cheeks and shoulder and sometimes on neck to just mess with the other one, Natsume wasn't drunk enough for processing the present as a normal thing. This was beyond the skinship of two best friends. Natsume looked at Ruka with a puzzled expression. He only saw a pair of determined eyes and a strong pair of hands grabbing his collar.

"What?" Natsume dumbly asked.

Ruka kissed Natsume again as the answer. This time firm, to get it through Natsume's head. Soon enough his tongue brushed Natsume's lips urging Natsume to react. Ruka's heart was racing like crazy. He was sure his blood pressure was sky rocketing. He was afraid he would have a heart attack at this point. A part of him really wanted the heart attack because what he was doing was the most insane thing to do in his book. There was no way to recover from this except a heart attack which would cause him to die and escape the reality.

A couple of seconds later which felt like years to Ruka, Natsume closed his eyes and opened his mouth to let Ruka invade his mouth. All the reasoning what was left of in his drunken head was melting away when Ruka wrapped his arms around his neck deepening the kiss. Natsume grabbed Ruka's waist and brought the gap between their bodies to none. Ruka moaned at the contact. It was oh so pure and heavenly and Ruka's knees got weaker. His heart was pounding like crazy but for a different reason than the few moments before. Tears filled the corner of his closed eyes.

Natsume accepted him.

He never dared to day dream about this yet here he was being kissed by Natsume. All the thoughts were blank in his head the moment Natsume kissed back.

They gasped for air breaking the kiss, only to dive into another one. More tongue and teeth and bodies getting more and more lewd. With every passing seconds their kiss was losing its chastity and innocence. They both tried to kiss more dominant than the other.

Natsume groaned and pushed Ruka on the wall not so gently without breaking the kiss. He grinded against Ruka's body making both of them gasp breaking the kiss. Natsume shifted his head and caught Ruka's ear. Biting down on it as Ruka shuddered, hands grabbed onto the raven's hair and pulled Natsume more on his body. Both breathing frantically. Natsume tried to take off the tie so he could have access to Ruka's soft skin of his neck as his mouth worked its way down.

"Fucking tie." Natsume frustratingly cursed as he failed to do the simple job of loosening it because of over excitement. Ruka cupped Natsume's face.

"Men's room. Now." Ruka demanded. He started walking fast to the direction of the men's room as he loosened his tie and unbuttoned a couple of button of the shirt.

They both found themselves in a stall. Hands under each others shirt or griping each others hair. Natsume kept kissing and sucking every inch of Ruka's neck. Ruka bit his bottom lip to prevent any moans from escaping. He was bruising himself without his knowledge.

He buried his face down on Natsume's neck . The raven's smell was so intoxicating for Ruka, his body jolted.

Natsume left Ruka's neck only to kiss his reddened lips for a mere second.

He looked at the blue eyes glazed with passion and urgency. "God, you are so beautiful."

Natsume admitted, found it hard to breath. This was a dream, right? This was too good to be true. He felt overwhelmed when Ruka grabbed him by the waist and sucked on his collarbone above his tattoo. Both could feel their needs in their nether region. They rolled their hips to feel the other more. Bodies shivered with a just a bit of pleasure. Ruka bit down hard on the crook of the raven's neck to kept his moans buried. Natsume sucked on the air as his fingers gripped the blond's hair tighter. A quiet growl escaped from the back of his throat. It felt so wrong yet the friction was so _deliciously_ right.

"Goddamn, that crazy girl tripped and poured her drink on me. Tsk." Tsubasa's voice was heard by the boys.

They instantly stopped their action and tried to calm their breath. Natsume didn't care much even if he got caught. He'd just burn Tsubasa if he said some unnecessary stupid crap to anyone. But he cared for Ruka. He was known for getting embarrassed in public. So he wished they wouldn't get caught.

On the other side of that closed stall Tsubasa grabbed some paper napkins to dry out the excess liquid. "Aww man, I'm soaked. It's very uncomfortable to enjoy a night while dripping. Shame. Sorry guys but seems like we have to leave." Tsubasa muttered as he left the washroom to search for his group to get back.

"Phew, that was so close." Ruka sighed with relief when he heard no one in the wash room. Natsume shifted from one leg to the other. Both still red in the face from the activity.

"We… umm… should get back. It's late. Tsubasa must be looking for us." Ruka whispered.

The moment was gone. Natsume felt disappointed to his surprise. They came out the stall. Natsume smirked a bit at the irony. People come out of the closet and he just came out of the bathroom stall and with none other then his own best friend.

 _Am I into guys now? Or was it just Ruka got way too drunk and horny that he grabbed his best friend for a momentary relief and I stepped up to help? Why didn't I mind a bit about what just happened? If it wasn't for Tsubasa, would he go all the way? I don't think I would've stopped, would I? Damn…_

Natsume stole a glance of Ruka who was straightening his shirt and fixing his tie. He hid a sigh as he kept the thought to himself.

* * *

A/N: Hope it was something. It may or may not go under M rating in later chapters. If the story needs the sex scene it may happen.

Please leave a review and say how it was. You can also give suggestions. Pointing out mistakes is more than welcome. Flames are not. Help the story grow. Thanks for reading. ^_^


	2. The Next Day

Disclaimer: Gakuen Alice is not mine.

A/N: Review and leave your thought, suggestions and constructive critics. ^_^

 **The Next Day**

Next afternoon, Natsume woke up on his bed with a hang over.

He got up and instantly sat down on the edge of his bed.

"Never drinking again." he held his throbbing head and closed his eyes to stop his vision from spinning. He felt like throwing up.

Couple of minutes later he slowly walked towards his bathroom. He needed shower. But he would literally kill for some coffee, that was what he most needed. He searched his pocket and fished out his phone and called Ruka to see if he was free.

The dial tone kept on going until it cut automatically. Natsume put the phone beside the sink. Maybe Ruka was still sleeping.

"I'll just get him from his room."

Natsume took off his hoodie and did the same with his shirt. He splashed some water in his eyes to feel more awake. He looked at the mirror as he pushed his hair back with his hands. Something caught his eyes. There were couple of purplish red marks on his neck and collar bone.

He touched the marks, "What the h..." he stopped midway as memories of last night flooded his mind. He felt his vision spinning again. He grabbed the edge of the sink to prevent himself from falling. Knuckles whitened from the tight grip.

"Ruka..." he lost all the words. He couldn't think of anything else except for those memories. They felt like a hazy dream.

* * *

As soon as he finished his shower, Natsume threw on whatever he found in front of him. He grabbed a scarf to wrap around his neck and got out.

He needed to think and the headache wasn't helping. He went to café near the building. He got some hot coffee and sipped as he sat on a table near the window.

Natsume burned his tongue on the scalding hot coffee and didn't even flinch. His mind was completely in another world. "Oh my God. I dunno what to do." Repeated in his head as he stared blankly.

"Hey." Natsume looked up to see the certain brunette who was waving at him. Mikan approached him.

Natsume got up. "Hi. How are you? What are you doing here?" he hugged her lightly. He motioned her to took the seat in front of him.

"I was just getting some cupcakes ." she sat down. "How long have you been here? Are you waiting for someone? And you look like hell." she eyed three empty cups in front of her.

"Ten minutes, I guess and no." Natsume muttered.

"Didn't know you loved coffee this much."

"I don't. I am sorta hung over. We went to the club last night."

Mikan shook her head in disappointment, "Really? Drinking? Where was Ruka? Why didn't he stop you?"

"Hey, it was his idea." Natsume defended himself bitterly.

"That's not very Ruka like." Mikan looked a bit dazzled.

"Yeah.. you bet. He did so many other things that were not Ruka like." he sighed as Ruka's flushed face popped in head again.

" Ugh.." he wanted to bash his head against the wall as he realized he liked the way Ruka was against him, his lips, his body. But it was Ruka. His best friend.

"Like what?" Mikan noticed the scoff.

"Nothing. We.. umm.. we made out last night." Natsume felt blood rushing to his cheeks. He was so losing his mind.

Mikan gaped for a couple of seconds. "You what? How? Woah!" she was caught by surprise.

"We were drunk and we were dancing and he was acting all sexy and and and..." Natsume took a deep breath. He pushed his scarf aside a little to show Mikan the bite marks.

Mikan felt her cheeks getting hotter. Her imagination running faster than lightning.

She gulped. "Did you guys do _it_?"

"No!"

"Damn it!"

"Is that what someone's girlfriend supposed to say?"

"When it's Natsume and Ruka then hell yes." Mikan said in serious tone. Natsume wondered if she was a member of NatsumeXRuka club.

"I can't stop thinking about last night. I dunno what to do, Mikan. I mean it's Ruka! He's my friends since we were kids."

"Did you talk to him?"

"Didn't get any chance. I called him once before recalling any of _that._ He didn't answer and..." His eyes widen in realization. His gaze fell on his lap. "Then there's you, I cheated on you." Natsume looked at her with shame. The realization just sank in.

"Natsume please, we are not like a real couple we both know that. We mistook our strong bond of friendship as a crush and love. You really need to realize your true love."

"I don't understand what do you mean."

"I mean, go find your love without worrying about the so called relationship we have."

"Still I'm really sorry, Mikan. You're still my girlfriend and I went and did something stupid."

Mikan held Natsume's hand. "Stop beating yourself up like that." She felt bad for him.

"If you feel so guilty maybe we should just end it. That way you can go for Ruka if you want to without the guilt." she saw his face darkened with sadness. He deeply cared about her. He never wanted to hurt her.

Natsume nodded, it was for the best. "Hmm.. I'll miss you as my girlfriend though." Natsume smiled sadly.

Mikan just ruffled his hair. "Of course you will, I'm a terrific girlfriend."

"But I cannot be in love with Ruka, right? It was just a drunken mistake. Heat of the moment, right?" He sounded confused.

"I dunno Natsume and I'm sorry I cannot answer these. You have to figure it out yourself. Talk to Ruka, that might help. I can only listen and support." Mikan squeezed Natsume's hand a little to comfort. She did not know what more to tell the raven. It was Natsume's own battle. She wondered what Ruka might feel about all this.

* * *

Ruka woke up. His phone woke him up. He felt too groggy to even open his eyes. He wanted to barely move let alone looking for his phone. He got up following the sound of his ringtone. It's coming from the floor where his pants were abandoned last night before he fell asleep. Initially he wanted to change into his pajamas but after taking his pants off he felt like the fuss wasn't worth it and dropped on the bed. He picked up his pants and looked for his phone in the right pocket. The call got cut the moment he took out his cell.

He still tapped on the screen to see who it was calling. Natsume called. Natsume. The Natsume, he made out with. To whom he showed his vulnerable side, his animal instincts, his embarrassing faces and sounds.

"Oh my God, Natsume!" Ruka dropped his phone as he remembered everything he did. He sat down on his bed. He was so blank.

"What have I done?! Did I really kiss him?!" he stared into nothing in disbelief. He dreamed of kissing Natsume thousands of time. It was just one of those dreams. Yeah that must be it. He convinced himself, unwilling to accept the reality even though the memories were too vivid to be a dream. He ran towards the first mirror he saw. He fumbled to take off his shirt. Face paled in anticipation.

He saw the marks. He was covered in hickeys. _That kinky bastard!_ Ruka's face changed into brighter shade of red in embarrassment. He hid his face with the back of his hand from his reflection. Soon after a rush of fear followed.

"I've ruined my friendship. He's gonna hate me." he started to pace around his room restlessly. "He was definitely drunk and I lost it because he said he loved me. He never thought of me more than his best friend yet I dared to love him more than that and now I've kissed him. I've ruined everything. He's not into guys. I mean the guy has a girlfriend." he sat again on his bed.

"No Mikan... Hell, I betrayed my other best friend too!" Ruka screamed and went up and punched the wall bruising his knuckles badly. Tears welled up in his eyes from anger and shame.

"I've lost Natsume." tears dripped down his soft pale cheeks.

He locked himself in the room. He switched off his phone. He needed time. He didn't know what to do yet. He heard knocking on his door several time through out the day. He heard Natsume's voice calling him. He heard it all. But he ignored. It was hard to ignore the person he loved but he betrayed that person. He couldn't face him just yet.

* * *

The whole day, Natsume couldn't stop questioning himself.

 _Do I love him more than a friend? I don't wanna mistake the bond of friendship for romance like I did with Mikan. I really need to be certain this time._

He couldn't reach Ruka to talk to him either. He went everywhere looking for him after he knocked on Ruka's door but no one opened. He tried to call but it was unreachable. It was already close to midnight. He came to Ruka's door, one last time to check if he was there.

He frustratingly kicked on the door before he walked away from Ruka's door.

He was worried at this point. Ruka couldn't just go missing without a word.

Natsume fidgeted on his bed worrying about his best friend.

"Where are you? Did I take advantage of you while you were drunk?" Natsume punched in the pillow beside him. "Please be safe." he closed his eyes shut.


	3. Realization

**Realization**

Next morning, Ruka got ready. He needed to fix his screw up. He needed apologize to his friends. He turned on his phone. He sent a text to Mikan to meet him before class. He was not ready to face Natsume yet.

Ruka decided to meet Mikan at the common room. No one comes here in the morning.

He waited for her patiently. His thoughts were calmed and collected. He went through what he would say to her hundred times last night.

"Good morning" Mikan greeted the guy leaning on a table as she entered the room.

"Good morning." Ruka smiled drily.

"You okay?" Mikan looked concern. Ruka looked so lifeless.

"Yeah, fine. How are you?" Ruka tried to act like his usual self. Smiling a bit more.

"I'm fine. Did you wanted to see me because of the break up?" Mikan asked suspiciously. "I'm absolutely fine. I'm not a baby." Mikan huffed.

"What breakup?" Ruka forgot to breath. Expecting the worst in a flash.

"You don't know? Natsume and I broke up yesterday." Mikan sat beside him. Surprised that Natsume didn't tell him.

"Why?" Ruka prayed, the reason wasn't because of what he did, right?

"There is someone else... forget about it. It doesn't matter. So what did you wanna talk about?" she ignored the topic trying not to say anymore. She promised Natsume she wouldn't say anything to Ruka.

Ruka squeezed his eyes shut and tried to steady himself. He felt like breaking everything in sight.

 _Someone else? Is it me? Of course it is. They broke up because of me._

Mikan's eyes fell on his bruised hand. "What happened?" She held the bruised hand carefully "Were you in a accident?" She looked up to him as there was no reply.

She saw the angered saddened look in the blond's face.

"What's wrong?" Mikan touched Ruka's face softly. Ruka turned the other way to hide his face. Tears stung his eyes. His throat clenched.

"I'm the worst friend ever. I'm sorry I betrayed my friends."

"What are you talking about? You didn't do anything wrong. You are the most gentle and loving guy I know." Mikan said in shock. She felt sad seeing her friend like this.

"I'm really sorry." Ruka stood up. He left the room. Mikan called him and even tried to follow but he dashed out of there.

He needed to step aside from Natsume and Mikan's life. He screwed up really badly but now he had to fix it.

* * *

Natsume woke up early that day. He barely slept. He came to the class earlier to see if Ruka came. He didn't yet but Ruka never missed his classes. Natsume waited outside the classroom. Brows tensed. Minutes passed by.

The teacher entered the class. Natsume turned his heels. No point in wasting his time when he should be looking for Ruka.

"Natsume, wait up!" Mikan ran towards him.

Natsume turned around. "Hey. Teacher is already in the class." he said while Mikan caught her breath.

"Forget that. Did you talk to Ruka?"

"No I couldn't find him anywhere. His phone is switched off and he's not in his room. I didn't meet him once after we came back from the club!" Natsume's brows tensed again.

"Well, I just met him. He acted..."

"Is he alright?!" Mikan was cut off. Natsume shook her by her shoulders.

"Yeah he is, anyway he acted so weird. You should find him and talk to him. I tried to but he just took off saying sorry. He said nothing more. I have a bad feeling about this. He seemed like he was suffering." Mikan explained.

"Where did he go?" Natsume's eyes were determined.

"I dunno, sorry. Just go find him." Mikan looked concerned.

"Yeah." Natsume didn't waste another second. Mikan saw him going, to chase down Ruka. She sighed. She hoped they could resolve whatever they were going through.

Natsume started looking for Ruka everywhere he possibly could be. Since he at least knew Ruka was alright he felt like a heavy weight was lifted from his soul.

He couldn't find him. It had been like 3 hours running around in circle. He wanted to shoot himself in frustration. Suddenly something came to his mind.

 _NatsumeXRuka fanclub! Yes! They might know something._

Natsume hated that damn Sumire for being nosy but he would put up with her any day for the sake of Ruka.

Natsume barged through the door of the fan club, panting. Members looked at the intruder and gasped. One of their idols came to their club. Never in a million years they thought the day would come.

Natsume's eyes scanned quickly.

"Where's your president?" Natsume was caught a bit off guard seeing some boys there too.

 _Wait, guys ship us too?_

"She should've been here by now." A girl in pink hair said. "Oh there she is." She pointed at the door.

"Woah, Natsume! Is it really you in our club?!" Sumire squealed.

"Yeah, cut the crap. I need to talk to you. Come with me." Natsume walked out of the room.

"Hai!~" she followed like a happy puppy.

"Do you know where Ruka is?" Natsume spoke up as soon as he felt no one could hear them.

"Ah.. No. Why?" Natsume's hope crushed. He was sure permy could help.

"I can't find him, alright. He didn't contact me from yesterday. He didn't came to class either. So if you get to know where he is, inform me." Natsume slowly started to walk away.

 _Damn you Ruka. Stop playing hide and seek._

"Natsume, wait. You do know he changed his courses to another schedule, right?" Sumire crooked a brow.

"What? He what?!" Natsume lashed out on permy. He felt his heart crumbled into nothing. She did not mind his tone.

"He changed his courses to another schedule and to another section. We were all surprised. We thought you knew." Sumire looked at Natsume with a questioned look.

He calmed his breath. Anger crawled under every inch of his skin. He was mad at himself for failing to do anything and also at Ruka for being that stupid.

"Thanks." He muttered and started walking. Shoulders slumped in complete defeat.

Natsume walked back to his room. He felt exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. Inside his chest something felt so tight he felt hard to breath. He fell on his bed. He wanted quit everything and go back two days ago. He did not want this shit. He called Ruka.

Disconnected.

 _You're such an idiot. I screwed up. At least let me apologize. You're so disgusted with me that you changed your schedule. I'm sorry. Come back to me please. I hate this._

* * *

Natsume was waken up by his phone. He didn't know when he fell asleep.

"Hello." he answered with his eyes closed. Still half asleep.

"Natsume, can you meet me?"

"Ruka!" Natsume jumped off the bed. Eyes opened wide. Heart pounded. Sleep was long gone. "Sure! Where are you?"

"I'm at the café. Meet me here."

"Right. I'll be there in like ten minutes."

It was almost 5 pm. Sun shined bright but the heat was pleasant. Natsume walked towards the shop. Anything was great to Natsume right then. He was about to see Ruka and straiten this mess. He couldn't wait to hug Ruka. He felt nervous as well. Blushed a little too, he was intimated with the guy drunk or whatever.

Natsume entered the café pushing the glass door. He looked to his right then to his left. His heart leaped in warmth of happiness as soon as saw the blond. He quickly walked towards Ruka. He noticed how pale and tired Ruka looked.

"Hey." Natsume said softly. Ruka looked up. His eyes looked somehow hollow to Natsume. Natsume's smile was wiped as he started to get worried. He sat down in front of Ruka.

"How are you?" Natsume hid the urge to touch Ruka's face. He would not hesitate before but now things were just messed up. His eyes fell on Ruka's chapped lips. He wanted to plant a soft kiss on those red lips. He sighed as he diverted his eyes to the ocean blue eyes.

"Fine." Ruka said quietly.

There was silence for a couple of second. Both just stared at each other.

 _What are you thinking, Ruka?_

"It's going to be hard for me to say. I've never thought things will turn out like this." Ruka broke the eye contact.

Natsume cringed a bit in pain.

 _Of course he didn't ever think of making out with me. Of course not._

"Let's just pretend that never happened. I mean it was a drunken mistake, right?" the blond bite his lips to control his despairingness from slipping out.

 _Please tell me it's not, Natsume. Please. God damn it, damn, damn! I'm being hopeful!_ Ruka gulped down his wish. It was simply an impossible wish.

 _Forget? How can I forget that when all I wanna do is pin you down from the moment I've seen you? Drunken mistake? I'm not drunk now yet I wanna do all those stuffs all over again. I wanna be with you. Fuck my life!_ Natsume screamed in his head.

Natsume stayed quiet outside. So Ruka continued.

"We should stop being friends. It's already ruined anyway." Ruka bit down harder on his lips hard as his throat clenched. He did not want to cry in public. Specially in front of Natsume. He has caused enough trouble for the fire caster.

 _I ruined it! If I controlled my feeling like I did for last four years I could still be with you at least as your friend._ Ruka thought as his heart felt so helpless. He felt so needy. He felt his heart being overwhelmed by pain.

"What?" Natsume stared in disbelief. He knew he screwed up. But he never thought Ruka was so mad at him that Ruka would stop being his friend. He never thought this was beyond repairable.

"I gotta go." Ruka stood up. He might break out in tears if he stayed any longer.

"You're not even going to listen to me?" Natsume stood up instantly and caught Ruka's arm when he started to walk.

 _Listen to what? Listen to how you were disgusted by that night? How your relationship ended for that? How much you hate me? I can't! Because I love you so much and always will! This is the hardest thing I've ever done! I will kill myself if I hear you say you hate me!_

"Save it. I don't have time for this." Ruka shoved Natsume and quickly ran away. Natsume stood there in shock. He couldn't believe what just happened.

Natsume came back to his room. He locked his door and leaned against it. Eyes closed. Heart was sinking with pain.

 _It hurts! It hurts so bad!_

Natsume opened his eyes. Something warm crawled down his cheeks. He touched his face and felt the wetness. He was crying without his realization. Before he registered anything else he started to sob. He felt the world disappeared. He felt his was falling down an endless dark tunnel and his heart was sinking deeper than that. His body shook uncontrollably with each sob.

"Why do you have to go away? I can't bear this. Goddamn it, I am in love with you and you are going away!" Natsume screamed as he pushed the glass table in front of his couch shattering it into pieces.

Natsume covered his mouth in disbelief. The tears in his eyes dripped down.

 _I am in love with him. In love? I don't just love him! Goddamn it! I'm so fucking in love with him!_

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading. Please review ^_^


End file.
